Battle Of The Bands - The Judges Pt. 1

Attention ignorant jerks: compared to what’s about to go down, Rock Band’s masturbatory displays are for your little cousin.  Religious beliefs are gonna be suspended. Puppies ‘ll look ugly, Al Gore’s gonna apologize. Think I’m talking about the apocalypse?  Fuck you: that’s in 2012.  

I’m speaking about the upcoming CJLO Battle of the Bands – an occasion that separates the true heroic jerks from the jerk-offs, those who will go on to cut quality music versus those who’ll be in their mid-forties cutting mom’s bushes.

And for those looking for an edge in what’s shaping up to be some pretty stiff competition, here are the candid bios of three judges.  That’s right – the judges, the amazingly-impartial, infallible ubermensches who will be justly deciding which band is worthy enough of claiming the title of champion.

Shall we begin?  Time to buckle your assholes.

First on the list is Mikey Rishwain Bernard, who, for ten impressive years, worked in California's vast music scene.  Despite his ex-pat status, Bernard is still close to his roots, citing Stockton/Sacramento Ca. bands Pavement, Grandaddy, and Hella as his primary musical influences.  While his mother tells people he’s a former altar-boy, Mikey insists he’s got some pretty damn good reasons for being judgmental when it comes to music.  In addition to his prestigious LA resume, not only is his father Robert Goulet’s cousin, but both his old man and brother are excellent drummers – demonstrating that musical talent is certainly alive in his family.  Ultimately, this judge insists that he looks poorly on bands who would dare to sleep with any of his girlfriends or who look in the mirror before they get on stage.  While Mikey is immune to monetary bribes, he assures me he’s willing to have some back-room discussions with anyone who can get him Pavement B-sides or John Peel sessions.
Jonathan Cummins is a hard-nosed judge from the Clint Eastwood school of few words and lots of cajones.  He's played in a bunch of bands including Doughboys, Bionic and Treble Charger.  In addition to being an accomplished musician, Cummins has amassed a ton of street cred as a writer and critic for the alternative scene in the Montreal Mirror.  Given his ton of experience in the music biz - both on and off the stage, he was asked by people far better than you to take his rightful and prestigious place amid this fine constellation of worthy judges.  Immune to any and all forms of bribery, Jonathan enjoys rock and will be critically evaluating bands based solely on their ability to “not suck”.

So there you have it – a sampling of two of the judges for the upcoming Battle of the Bands – their experiences, qualifications, musical influences, and predilections towards bribery.  Don’t say we haven’t tried to help you.

Now get out there and win this thing.