Column: The Barstool Genius – Episode 1

Attention friends, fans and other critics, after a long hiatus, I, The Barstool Genius - The Seagram Sage of saintly advice has returned – ready to answer all your questions and pour the quixotic elixir of wisdom into your souls like whiskey melting the ice in a tumbler.

Recently I received this email:

"Dear Barstool Genius,

I’m on a dating website called Plenty of Fish and so far no one’s biting.  I don’t look like Johnny Depp, but I’m no Igor either – just an average dude who’s a tad shy. After a failed attempt at initiating contact with a nice looking girl who had a cool profile, I logged out in frustration. After doing so, the website leaves you with a parting article that gives advice on how to pick up chicks. I copied it to this email in the hopes that you could tell me if it’s worthwhile following some of the ideas.  

Raising a glass to your Genius,

- In Need Of A 2^nd Opinion."

Dear In Need Of A 2^nd Opinion,

The man-child who penned the article is a dilettante in his dubious dealings with the fairer sex.  Sure, he may come off as a suave, sophisticated and successful player, but a kid that’s good at T-Ball shouldn’t automatically be sent to the majors. 

I’ll go through each of his points: 

5 Ways To Attract Women INSTANTLY…”
By: David DeAngelo, Author of Double Your Dating

"If you don’t know the secret “language” of attraction, getting the women you want is going to be a long, hard road.   Here are 5 tips to boost your skills at attracting women:"

Right off the bat (to resume the baseball analogy), the kid turns women into chocolate bars in a vending machine. Throw in enough money, hit the code, and WHAMO! You got Bounty (or booty) falling to your feet.  What the author doesn’t understand is getting the woman/women you want SHOULD be a hard road. If there’s no struggle, if there’s no risk, if there’s no possibility of rejection, then there’s little chance you’ll appreciate the babe who catches your eye. 

The author continues embarrassing himself:

Number 1: Learn To Be “Cocky & Funny” Several years ago a friend of mine introduced me to the idea of Cocky & Funny. Here’s the basic formula: Take an arrogant comment, then add humor. So, let’s say you’re at a bar and your drink has too much alcohol in it. An arrogant comment might be: "This bartender sucks. There's too much booze in my drink." Add a touch of humor, and it turns into: "Whoa, this bartender either loves me or is trying to kill me. This drink is pure alcohol. Is there an AA meeting nearby? Cuz I'm gonna need it when I'm done with this one." You feel me?  It's the COMBINATION that makes Cocky & Funny work like magic.

“Too much booze in my drink?”  That is possibly the worst attempt at flirtation I have ever seen, considering there’s never enough booze in a single drink. That’s why God/Nature/Humanity – or whatever power you believe in, created “the double”. 

More to the point, how does the author propose that a person goes about learning to “be cocky”?  How does a non-funny person learn humour?  By memorizing big dick jokes?  (Actually, that’s not a bad place to start...)

Either you are cocky and funny or you’re not.  If you don’t have charisma, don’t be disheartened.  There are plenty of females immune to humour - like severely disabled women, narcoleptic women, feminists, and women generally.   

Number 2: Be A Challenge   Most attractive women have no idea what to do when they meet a guy that is charming, funny, "un-clingy" and in control of himself and the situation. They get turned on, they think about you all the time, and they generally feel a level of ATTRACTION that they can't control (and don't want to control, because they love it!) Once you get things moving in the right direction, just make sure you don’t turn in to a wuss-bag and screw it up!

If the guy was truly in control of himself – his needs, wants and desires, then what purpose would he have for a relationship?  And while on the subject, no one – from Neo of the Matrix to a Zen master -  has control of how they feel. The only control is how to respond to those feelings. Learning how to control one’s responses is called wisdom. Maturity. Not being in the 8^th grade. 

            Number 3: Learn To Approach I can remember when I first started learning how to approach a woman ... it seemed to me that no woman in her right mind would just give out her phone number to a complete stranger. But then I discovered that with a few minutes of conversation, a woman will give out her email and number – as long as you don’t blow it. BELIEVING it can happen is the first step to MAKING it happen.

So, if I BELIEVE I’m Napoleon or if I BELIEVE I can defy gravity when I jump out of a 17^th story window...

Saying that a woman will give out her number provided you don’t blow it is about as helpful as saying you can build a time machine that works as long as you don’t build it incorrectly. In either case the question is HOW????  And guess what – there is no formula because each woman is different. Therefore, if a woman doesn’t respond to your advances, instead of thinking – my God, I screwed it up – that must mean I’m a loser, try thinking: so what? I respect her choice to be a lesbian.

Number 4: Get Comfortable Talking To Women If you want to learn how to attract women fast, you need as much practice as quickly as possible. Get online and start chatting with women. Bust on them, tease them, talk about every topic you can think of. You'll find that starting conversations with women is a lot more convenient when you can do it from the comfort of your computer. Get over your preconceived ideas and just do it.

Attracting “women fast” essentially means you're attracting fast women.  And the skill level involved is akin to playing tennis with a circus seal – you’re bound to win – but on a deeper level, you’ve fundamentally lost.  Talking to women is like talking to men only you should avoid or at the least minimize the following topics of conversation:

1.  Sports statistics
2.  Good porn websites
3.  Anything having to do with farting or bowel movements

Here are some women-friendly topics of conversation:

1.  Shoes & food
2.  Monthly cycles
3.  Putting down other women

Stick to those basics and the rest will take care of itself. 

Number 5: Have Options when you have options, you feel different… you talk different… and you communicate in a different way. One of the reasons attractive women come across so powerfully is because they KNOW they have options. When you know that you can walk out the door anytime you want and meet women, it makes you MUCH more attractive. So take the time to learn how to create options in your love life.

This advice is like a dietician telling a poor man with leprosy living in the slums of Calcutta to vary his diet so he can improve his health. It’s hard to have options if you don’t have a single option. The trick isn’t to have the “girlies on stand-by” – to quote Vanilla Ice, but to not care. The most attractive quality is indifference – not fake indifference like those wallflowers at high school dances who postured and tried to act like they were too cool– but a genuine, honest, sincere take-it-or-leave-it approach.  If you’re happy with your life, happy with yourself and your choices, you won’t care if so-and-so doesn’t give out her number.  It won’t matter.  By eliminating your expectations, you’ll suddenly find that life is full of surprises.  That’s the ballsy confidence real women are attracted to. 

However, if this Zen-style detachment proves too difficult, if it just isn’t working for you, then bust out a pair of Birkenstocks and try using some castration jokes on the feminists.

Hope this helped,

The Barstool Genius

To reach the Barstool Genius, please email sidlapua@hotmail.com with your problems/questions.  To ensure your message does not get deleted, please write ‘barstool genius’ in the subject box.  Remember to begin with a praise-worthy invocation. Please conclude with whatever name you wish.  Each week, 1 question will be selected. The deadline to submit is no later than Friday. Thank you for tuning in.  Please note:  in the interest of clarity/brevity, I reserve the right to modify the phrasing of questions.