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Yeah... so when I asked to review Escape The Fate my only knowledge of them was the two music videos I had watched 15 minutes earlier (I had taken some time to look up the openers). They looked/sounded like I'd hate 'em, but I was pretty sure that I'd have nothing better to do on a Sunday night in February, so I thought I might as well go and get my hate on.

Two months pass...

I got to Club Soda at 9:26; I was aiming for 9:00, but a) I'm bad at time management and b) when I first got on the metro I realized that I had forgotten my mittens on the bus. I had to get off at the next stop, go back, get back on the bus, and find my mittens before continuing on to the show. I didn't end up finding them, though. Instead, there was a pair of gay-ass rainbow mittens where my mittens should have been. I took them, but I'm not sure I'm going to keep/wear them; they're a bit too colourful for me... Anyway... 9:26, I got to Club Soda and Escape The Fate is already on. They’re surprisingly early*, but I don't mind - I wasn't exactly hyped on the openers (who I had spent about 7 minutes 'researching' two months ago).

So yeah, Escape The Fate - remember when I said up there that I thought I'd hate them. It turns out, I didn't! Not at all! Unfortunately, I didn't like them at all either...

I pretty much just stood completely still, completely unmoved for 50 minutes. I didn't want to leave and I didn't want to move up closer. I didn't cringe, but I didn't nod my head either. Escape The Fate and I were just sort of there at the same time. That's it.

Yep... 

What's the min word count on these things?

Nah, I kid... 

Musically, the band was like their band name. "Escape The Fate" - what a meaningless, uninteresting, forgettable name. But say it out loud (really): "Escape The Fate" - it just rolls off the tongue so smoothly...

After walking out of the venue, I couldn't remember how any of the songs went. But they all went down like soft-serve aural vanilla ice cream, or maybe a flavour that's less flavourful than vanilla, if there is one.

Or, if you don't like getting ice cream in your ears, check out their logo. I guess it's okay... It's legible, it’s symmetrical, it has the band name, and it has things shooting out of the letters and stuff... But man, isn't it the most uninspired logo you've seen all week? Thought so.

If the band had any flavour, it was that they are channeling some kind of Mötley Crüe vibe. That is not a good thing, though. Mötley Crüe sucks. I think that's worth repeating - Mötley Crüe sucks. Luckily, Escape The Fate weren't channeling quite enough Mötley Crüe to suck as well. Again, they were just sort of there, playing instruments and stuff.

So, in conclusion, it's a good thing that I enjoy (what's a better word than leering?) at teenage girls, because otherwise I would have got nothing out of that show...

*It turns out a bunch of the bands didn't make the border, possibly explaining the earlyish-ness.

-Johnny Suck (host of Turn Down The Suck), Wednesday's 9:00-11:00pm, only on CJLO